So I Seem Hurt = Why I'm Single........Really?

So I haven't written anything in a minute. At least not here anyway. But I have scribbled quite a bit elsewhere in notebooks, on napkins, toilet paper etc :-). Anywho what brings me here tonight is an incident from earlier this evening. I have a particular piece that I perform that women like and the men well I don't know....I think they take it personal. Even though I do the disclaimer, letting them know its not about them and don't be so sensitive. But tonight, I had an older gentleman stop me and tell me he just felt like he should hug me and say "its going to be alright." I laughed and expressed to him that I'm good, it's just a piece. But he wasn't buying it. And although I did admit to him that its personal but it was from years ago, he felt like I was still hurt by it and carrying it around. I guess my answer to his "Are you single? and why?" question sealed the deal on my lonely woe is me sad little miserable life :-) Which makes me curious to know is that the perception most men have of me? That I'm single because I'm hurting? How come I just can't be single because I'm happy with me? WOW. The truth is I'm not hurt at all, but I do remember all too well the way I felt, so going back helps me perform. The poem itself was a therapy piece.


See I get the question are you single followed with why quite often and I always answer, because I'm happy. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the "I don't need a man chic." I just prefer not to hunt them down and harpoon them. But more than that, I've always put myself in a position behind someone else and never really fully enjoyed me. And that's not anyone else's fault, because I didn't know me either. If you don't know, I've been married. There was no cheating, beatings, addictions, etc. We just grew apart because it was based on surface attraction. We didn't dig deep enough to recognize if there was really any longevity for our relationship. So with me knowing what I know now, having a manchild, and coming to understand myself more, I'm good with me for now. Plus I tried doing the relationship thing again and realized I was still overlooking qualities that play a major role in staying power and effective communication. I think most people fool themselves into thinking they want certain things just to stay with someone. I've figured out it's not worth my sanity nor my joy. So until "that brotha" comes along that I need to connect to, I'm good with the "single" title. Until next time...journey light.

Luv, peace, and an abundance of blessings,

E

Just My Thoughts: Honey, Did You Try That Door?

Cancer (6/22-7/22)

1. You're feeling bright and hopeful today, so you can't let anything or anyone put a damper on your positive attitude! Avoid situations where you'll be forced to argue or even disagree with others. When you think good things will happen, they are more likely to happen -- the universe can get the hint when you project positive energy out into the world. Soon, you can expect a good opportunity to come your way, so get ready to get busy on a project that could bring you more money.

   
   

   Today's Quote: When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us ~ Alexander Graham Bell

   
   

   Hey Beautiful Ones, 

   
   

   As you can see I'm still up and during times like this, my brain runs on autopilot while my body says "Maybe we should go to sleep" :) So I ignored all that and decided to check out my horoscope. As I've mentioned before, I don't follow it daily and it only registers with me when I can find a positive message in it.  So of course I haven't read it since my post on trust.  

   
   

   Anywho, this one has me wondering how many times have you looked up to ask yourself, "Why did that happen?" or even "When did that happen?" only to find that your query goes unanswered because you are concentrating too hard on the problem and how to get things back on track.  

   
   

   All too often when things go awry in my life, I have found myself focusing on the problem vs. the reason it NEEDED to happen.  Huh? Did you assume I was going to say "vs. the solution"? I'm sorry. No my love, I said it the way I intended.  Most of the time my first reaction to what I think is an issue is "How can I hurry up and fix this?"  But I'm learning that all things can't be corrected and most likely have occured by design.  Hence, one door closing while another opens. However, it is sometimes very difficult to see that in the beginning. Since, I am somewhat of a perfectionist and hate feeling like I failed, I find myself deliberating over situations longer than I should.  Sometimes giving more attention to something or someone, who in turn cannot give that same level of attention back.   Only to realize days later that there was a reason why that particular situation or circumcstance occurred.   And once I realize that, I must let go.  Hmm, let go......can i switch gears for a moment.......

   
   

   When my dad taught me how to ride a bike, I remember vividly how he gripped the back of the seat and walked alongside me down the sidewalk.  But when I got to the top of the driveway, heading toward the street.......he let go. Y'all know I fell right? He helped me up and stated "Now that you know what it feels like, you got that part out of the way and we can learn how to ride this bike." For those that may think this cruel, I'm the oldest and he has no boys.  Trial and error baby. When I say my dad may have something to do with my sister's and my short attention span for bullsh*t, opinionated dispositions, and the like, that may be a bit of an understatement.   LOL.....but the fact that he allowed me to fall did not deter me from trying again nor figuring out that I may fail today but the next day, oh just wait and see, that day will have a different ending.  

   
   

   Sometimes, a quick solution is not the key to happiness at all.  The truth is we have to be honest with ourselves and ask "When that door was made available to me did I pay attention enough to use it?" It is understandable that vision's can be clouded due to stress, anxiety, or simply a desire to be loved allowing us to see something that isn't.  But, now we must take the time to see something different and walk into it.  You never know it may be the smile you need to brighten your day.  Until we meet again......journey light.
   

   
   

   
   

   Luv, peace, and clarity,

   
   

   E

This Valentine's Day Hoopla!

No - I'm not angry because I'm single. Matter of fact, I need my coupled up friends to stop looking at me like I have leprosy and trying to send me on blind dates. lol. My status is chosen and I embrace it whole heartedly! Don't get me wrong - I'm not against loving relationships . I love the ideal of love, being in love and all that comes with it. As long as he and I are working toward common goals, can enjoy each other as friends, and trust enough in our relationship that we can also have a life outside of each other, I'm down. Plus I need to keep my own place and he keep his :) But anywho, I'm more down with loving myself first. Since my divorce, I have had two relationships and both have proven to be more draining than motivating, therefore I am so in love with me right now, its sick. I'm much more motivated to do the things I enjoying like writing, when my eyes are not all glazed over and my heart is not all involved. Don't know why. It is what it is :)

So I thought in the spirit of self love, I would share this piece I wrote a while back. Until the next time.......journey light.

Luv, peace, and an abundance of blessings

E




I Never Imagined…



I never imagined you
Curiosity has me in its hand
Like Alice perusing Wonderland
I journeyed down the rabbit hole
Allowing another chapter to unfold
Reaching the other side untouched
I never realized I’d need you this much
An adventure designed just for me
Desires revealed that only I could see
And now that your presence is known
I’m afraid to let you go back to your home

Before
I had
routines
boredom
uneventful days
predictable nights
thoughts that
screamed
Did I do the right thing?
Did I make the right choice?
Is it too late to change my mind?
You or him?
Him or you?
Constantly I questioned my own rational
My thoughts were inexplicable
This new route played out in my mind
again and again
and I was afraid to start
afraid to move forward alone
But I’ve learned to focus
Focus on you

So I step forward boldly
Claiming my new season
Unyielding to previously failed visions
Shaping and molding new plans
Not limiting my faith to another man
Considering the newness of your smile
Replaying and revising my life’s profile
Appreciating your view of the world and others
Your ability to welcome what life has to offer
While I’ve always struggled with skepticism
Your optimism overrides my pessimism
I enjoy watching your eyes sparkle with anticipation
A look I could never achieve without hesitation
And I thank you for being my friend
I promise to never look back again
but to accept you unconditionally
because after all you are
simply the other side
a reflection of me

Memories of Spring 1990

Today, my son entered his 19th year of life and although this prose was done as a writing exercise a few years ago, it brings a smile to my face each time I read it. So now I'm sharing it with you.


As I watch him, lying there, sleeping so peacefully, I wonder did God intend to give him to me? At night, I go to his crib and stare at him intently crying in silence not really knowing what’s in store for us. Now, here I am over a month later once again questioning God’s intent for me. I mean look at his tiny little hands and feet. He’s so fragile. I’m still afraid to hold him. As he sleeps, he looks like he’s smiling. I wonder what’s on your mind, little warrior. Are you thinking about your future the way I am? I wonder daily where he will fall in this world built on greed and envy. Will he grow to be someone admired by the world? Or just the local street thugs? Will he grow to become a strong man, husband, and father? Or just another man following in his father’s and grandfather’s footsteps not knowing how to be a father himself? How will I know what to do? Will I be able to comfort him with the trials he will face in his life? Counsel him through pain and loss? Will I be able to teach him how to ride a bike, throw a football, drive a car? Can I actually teach him how a real man treats a real woman? Look at my little warrior, Dominique Ashanti, sleeping without a care in the world. I stand next to his crib hoping I will be able to handle the task set before me. And at that moment, on a rainy day in March 1990, the Lord saw fit to tell me "Erika, you and this child I’ve given you, will be just fine".

Written March 2006 by Erika G.

Catching Up on Goals

First let me say, "Did y'all see my President doing the bump?" LOL. Uhm, so as you can see, it's pretty easy for me to fall off on this blogging thing. But before I say anything else I want to give shouts to Geri & Shana for keeping me company here on Blogger. This blog feeds to my facebook account, so the majority of the comments are there. But it feels good to come here and see I have visitors! You two are the bomb!! **Remember when people said that? :-))

Sooooo, I've been trying to figure out how structured this blog should really be, but because I have so many ideas, I can safely say it's not coming to me today. What I did want to share was the progress on my goals. Yay!!

As some of you may recall I had 4 categories : Improve My Overall Health and Wellness, Improve My Finance & Savings, Improve My Spiritual Growth and Giving, and Improve My Relationship With Self

One of the first things I did this month was go back and review everything I had already committed myself to in some shape, form, or fashion. By doing so, I found that many of the resources I needed were right at my fingertips. For instance, http://www.meetup.com/ is an excellent resource for finding groups that are aligned to your personal goals and interests. Although, I already belonged to a few groups, I joined a few more.

On Saturday, I attended my first Girls Just Wanna Have Funds meetup in order to work on my financial stability. This meeting focused on budgeting and tracking expenses. Although, I have my own way of doing so (which fell apart somewhere), it was encouraging to listen to others who have had similar experiences and moved beyond them. The next meeting's topic is "Multiple Streams of Income", in other words "side hustle". But it's on the same day as B & Rod's Wedding. I'm trying to see how I can work this. I might have to miis the first part of the ceremony. lol, j/k.

I also had the opportunity to attend two meetups organized by my friends, Dionne ( Ahh Atlanta Massage & Spa Meetup) and Mechelle (Trinity Fusion Fitness). On Sunday, I experienced my first outing with Ahh Atlanta and what an experience it was!! We went to JeJu Sauna in Duluth. This was a lesson in Korean culture, relaxation and healing all bundled into one. Now, I will admit it was weird at first, but once I got over having to be in the buff, I was good. LOL. Anyway, if you live in Atlanta, get past the buttnakedness and go check them out! I will definitely be going back. Trinity's meetup was earlier in the month and Mechelle hosted a fitness party featuring ChaLEAN Xtreme. I must admit, going in I hated the kickboxing type workouts and raisins. Mechelle won me over on both.

Last but not least are my two poetry meetups, Quality Poets Society and Soul Cafe. I have been a member of QPS for a while but am working toward staying focused in my poetry and attending the meetings on a consistent basis. Although I attended the last workshop on publishing, I can't say that is my motivation at the moment. I enjoy the freedom of words and interacting with other writers. I find it enlightening to hear the various perceptions realized by one topic. Soul Cafe is new to me, but Monday the meetup hosted an open mic and food drive. After chatting and exchanging ideas, I just may be doing more than I had even projected in the next few months on the poetry scene. But I'm going to hush for now. I'll report back on that at a later date. :) Now I think in meetups alone, I have touched on all my goals. So I'll have to come back tomorrow to tell you more. Until the next time....journey light.

Luv, peace, and an abundance of blessings,

E

Just My Thoughts:Attitude & Outlook

“A happy person is not a person

in a certain set of circumstances,

but rather a person

with a certain set of attitudes.”

Hugh Downs

Tonight I was at a new poetry spot and the MC asked how many folks were in a relationship. When she only received very light applause, she then asked how many were looking for somebody to be in a relationship with. I think maybe one and 1/2 people clapped. I say half, because there was quite a bit of uncertainty. Finally she asked, who had just gotten out of a relationship and was just bitter. Of course, she received a wave of laughter but no one actually owned up to it. But really wanted to participate and the question I was waiting for was "Who is happy right where you are?" Nothing else, plain and simple. To that I would have stood on my chair and sang "Me, Me, Me, Me, Me." Actually, no I wouldn't have done that. I just would have said it really loud. ;)
As much as I may rant when perturbed. When left to reflect and enjoy me, I am quite happy where I am now. Relationships with others can be beautiful, but the relationship one has with self is the most important. Afterall, we all have said at one point or another, "You must love yourself first and if not can we really love another person." But how many of us truly take those words to heart? Do we really apply them when we need to the most? Or do we blindly trudge through the muck and mire around us, hoping it will soon get easier? Sometimes it does get easier, depending on the attitude we select to deal with people and situations. However, we also need to learn when that attitude doesn't need to be adjusted. Sometimes we just need to apply the attitude we are already equipped with to handle what life places at our feet. Don't let your lenses get cloudy and doubt what you already know. Stay focused on YOUR happiness. I'm back working on this one myself. Until we meet again.......journey light.
Love, peace, and an abundance of joy,
E