“Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die tomorrow” ~James Dean
It would be a beautiful thing if I could lie down, close my eyes, and go to sleep. But I’m up pondering and questioning my rationale for making certain decisions in life and dreaming. I always go back and forth on the sleep thing, but lately it’s been different. Today I realized that it's due to the fact that this is my year. Not the 2010 everyone's chattering about, but my year to hit a milestone. I turn 40 in July.
Due to this I’ve been rereading my journals, private blogs, goals from a few years ago. Thumbing through my 30s, I noticed a considerable shift in my opinions and acceptance. I’m more of a free thinker and social butterfly but I’m still an introvert. Some refer to this as a change in seasons. I'm thinking I've finally found a good portion of me. And I refer to it as a portion, because I know if blessed to see 50 I’ll think the same thing as my needs will surely continue to change. I also noticed I set targets just as I did with my 30th that I wanted to have accomplished by now. This actually led to an emotional moment I shared with my sister last week in light of another situation that caused me to question myself and God. However she reminded me that the many things I was upset about I had already experienced, so it’s not as though these things never came to fruition. Once I moved the other chaos to the side and refreshed my memory, I once again became okay with my good and bad.
I know me. I know my likes and dislikes. I understand my errors in judgment and why I do what I do. I know when I’m ready and when I’m not. I recognize my strengths and weaknesses. I’m often positive, but stumble into negative. Sometimes confident, other times shy. I’m often very emotional but I refuse to argue, so I can appear cold. I am me. Which brings me to a thin line of acceptance - do I actively and aggressively seek to change these things at 40? And who exactly am I changing to satisfy? Myself?
As a life long learner, I do plan on adding to my dimension, but certain inner findings I believe if addressed too soon will cause the rubber band effect. I will expand for a minute, then eventually return back to my original state or break and be of no real value in that particularly area. Have you ever been around someone that tries TOO HARD? It becomes difficult to believe their sincerity - therefore rendering them useless. I don’t want to fall in that category. So I’ve decided to stop looking at my age and just look at me.
I think one of my greatest strengths is sticking with what comes natural to me and not forcing anything. Some things I’ve tried because honestly, it was suggested to me by someone else. Maybe that defines me as a follower, but maybe it allows me to stand out in being genuine in what I do and believe. I’m not a 100% but I’m not a 50 either. I’ve benefited greatly from those around me, as I’ve been able to see things with a different set of eyes. Whether it be friend or mate, I think each association should add something of value to my life and I their’s. So that’s how my balance is created. Does that mean I’m cleaning house? Quite the contrary, it simply means with each passing day I better understand my and everyone’s role. In other words, I’m playing my position and not concerning myself with the time on the clock. I’ve always admitted to be a dreamer and I try hard not to, but my quote for today is who I am and I don’t believe I’m close to the end of my journey. So I won’t let my age become a deterrent for accepting love, joy, and prosperity in my life. Until next time…journey light.
Luv, peace, and joy in what you do,